Kreuzberg Coffee Company 8/31/2016

My last post cliff hanged with the mention of me being at the Kreuzberg Coffee Company. I will settle all of your anticipation, yes; my first breakfast burrito review after my second and third rounds of preliminary research is at Kreuzberg. Kreuzberg is located in downtown San Luis Obispo and is well known for being a cozy hipster coffee shop for students to order one coffee and then sit there for the rest of the day working on school projects. This is a widely accepted description of Kreuzberg, but I wanted to let everyone aware that Kreuzberg is more than just a coffee shop, they also have a wide range of food and other beverages, including a breakfast burrito. Since my breakfast burrito blog has gotten so famous so fast I

knew that I had to disguise myself for Kreuzberg would for sure be on the lookout for my arrival. I don’t want to receive any special treatment due to my title, I want to receive the treatment that the average customer would get, and therefore a disguise to make me fit in with the coffee snob hipsters was necessary. I put on my beanie, my plaid shirt, rolled up my jeans to show my trendy socks, laced up my expensive boots, put on my non-prescription glasses, and slung a satchel over my shoulder and headed to Kreuzberg. Once I entered the establishment I looked at the menu and acted like I was deciding what to order. Little did that mustached man knew that I only had one menu item on my mind, a breakfast burrito (and a chai latte, because you know, when in Rome). After ordering, a different mustached man called out “John” (although I told them specifically that my name was Jonathon not John, John is my father’s name) and handed me my chai latte, and after a few more minutes, my breakfast burrito. My initial thought about the burrito was that it was on the small side, especially when I paid $9.50 (before tax) for it. When I order a breakfast burrito I half expect to need a box so I can take leftovers home, but I knew that this wouldn’t be the case today. Although it was on the small side, the burrito instantly made my mouth salivate profusely, but this could be because it was 5:30pm and the only thing I had today was five cups of coffee and a couple crackers. As I took a couple bites of the burrito I realized that it consisted mainly of egg, like 80% egg. I like eggs and all but 80% is a lot, and these eggs reminded me of eggs you would get from a school cafeteria. The burrito also tastes a little bland, it was good and all but it just tasted basic to me, you know? There wasn’t anything special about the burrito and I was slightly disappointed after spending $9.50 for mostly bland cafeteria eggs. Although the taste and price wasn’t up to par, the atmosphere was amazing. Their atmosphere made me forget that I was in a public coffee shop and took me to another world where I was being seduced by a sexy cougar (of the human species) in her sensual bachelorette pad. Kreuzberg’s soft music, homey décor, and mood lighting that takes place late in the day aided to this ambiance.  Due to the tasteful arousal atmosphere I rate Kreuzberg a 5/5 on atmosphere, but a 2/5 for taste and 2/5 for price. In addition to my unhappiness with the high price of the burrito, and how it was filled with cafeteria eggs, I am also unhappy on how Kreuzberg is inconsistent with their menu. Before I eat at any breakfast burrito establishment I do a thorough background check. During my background check on Kreuzberg I looked on their online menu and saw that their breakfast burrito is advertised as $8.75 and that customers are given the options of bacon or ham for meat, and flour or corn tortilla. Going back to when I deceitfully was looking at the menu in the establishment I saw that they advertised their breakfast burrito in the store as $9.50 and that the description of the burrito was different from the online one. Also, when I ordered, the mustached man did not ask me what meat or type of tortilla I wanted. Kreuzberg, I ask you as a breakfast burrito connoisseur to resolve these discrepancies. Until then I will continue to visit your establishment, not for your breakfast burritos, but for the tasteful arousal that you provide.

-Aroused San Luis Obispo Breakfast Burrito Blogger

The Hierophant, The Fool, & The Hermit

One day three of my journey (8/15/2016) I decided to do a tarot card reading on my breakfast burrito blog quest to gain spiritual insight. I decided to do a simple three-card spread using the major arcane to help me get an idea of my past, present, and future. The cards of my spread are as follows: the Hierophant, the Fool, and the Hermit. I understand that performing a reading on oneself allows for a chance of natural biases to occur, so I kept an open mind when progressing with the reading. The first card being the Hierophant represented my past. He is a priest whose interests lies in spirituality to search for truth –philosophical or spiritual– and is not restricted to any particular religion or dogma. The holy man represents those who are trying to understand the meaning of life. After seeing this first card it was evident to relate the Hierophant to my time in Michigan when I roamed the streets looking for a purpose. The second card of the spread was the Fool, and he was related to my current state at the time of the reading. The Fool is depicted as a young boy who is cheerfully embarking forward. The card also depicts a dog who is trying to get the attention of the young boy because he is about to step off a cliff. The duo represents excitement about a new change taking place, but this change has risks that may not be foreseen. At the time of the reading I thought that the Fool gave little to no insight sense it stated the obvious. I was doing this tarot reading because of my new breakfast burrito quest, a spread telling me that I was starting a new journey was redundant (just like that sentence). As I write, it’s been over a month since I did that tarot reading and I see what the cards were trying to tell me at that time. When I started my journey on July 13^th of 2016 I never imagined the reaction that the public would have. On July 14^th my blog already had over 200 views and was viewed in 10 different countries. I was shocked to see there that are so many people like me who are concerned about San Luis Obispo’s lack of organization of said dank breakfast burritos. I had people contact me on the 14^th, asking me if they could watch me eat and blog in action. I also got a flood of other questions, like “What classifies a burrito as a breakfast burrito?”, “Did you only do preliminary research in San Luis Obispo city?”, and “Rawr, wht’s ur numbr qt?”. These are all questions I did not expect, especially so soon after my reveal. I was humbled to see that so many people wanted more from my journey, but I also felt ashamed that I didn’t have immediate answers for all of the questions. I was a Fool to think that I only needed three years of preliminary research. Even more, how did I expect myself to become a well rounded connoisseur of breakfast burritos after only investigating a small burrito area? A true Fool. The third card of the spread was the Hermit, and he represented my future. It is ironic that the Hermit followed the Fool in my spread because the Hermit is said to be the Fool halfway through his journey, a little less enthusiastic, and a little more restrained. The Hermit calls for a period of soul searching and seclusion to reflect upon the journey that has occurred thus far. I thought about what all of you asked and the insight that the cards gave and eventually decided to take some time to further my preliminary research. This time would be different though, this time I would eat breakfast burritos outside the San Luis Obispo city limits, and during this time I would also reflect upon why I started this journey and answer the questions that you all asked. For two weeks I secluded myself as I did my second round of preliminary research. Similar to my first round of preliminary research, my second round had tears, laughter, some bloodshed, but this time had intellectual challenges as well. My second round of research took me as far away from home as Atlanta and as close to home as my grandparent’s house (side note: even though my grandmother begged to be featured on my blog and for me to publically review her breakfast burrito, I refused. Sorry grandma but although you live in San Luis Obispo county, you don’t live in San Luis Obispo city, therefore, out of my jurisdiction). These new and old places gave me a more rounded expertise and appreciation for my love of breakfast burritos. The experiences I had will allow me to give better and more wholesome reviews on the breakfast burritos of San Luis Obispo city. The two weeks of seclusion was intense, I was learning so much about myself through burritos in such a short amount of time, and I was starting to get overwhelmed. Thankfully a miracle occurred, and it took in the form of four angles (the acute ones). Four of my old friends from the streets heard of my new lifestyle in California and they wanted to see it for themselves (not the new lifestyle where I’m now dating dudes, but the new lifestyle about blogging breakfast burritos). I then embarked on my third round of preliminary research, this time with the support of old friends.  Together we traveled the West coast for all it had to offer a breakfast burrito connoisseur. Time flew, but soon enough my old friends had to head back to Michigan for their destiny kept them there, and my destiny called for me to return to San Luis Obispo city with my new renowned expertise. I returned to San Luis Obispo city on 8/29 and after two intense days of binge working to support my breakfast burrito connoisseur lifestyle I sit here on the 31^st of August, in Kreuzberg Coffee Company, writing to you all. As I end this post I can’t help but to think back to the Hermit, a man who suggests a time of reflection before action. The second and third rounds of preliminary research have shown me that the time for reflection is over, and that the time for action is now.

To my dedicated breakfast burrito followers, I thank you for your support and patience during my time of burrito soul searching, and I value the feedback that I have gotten so far, keep it up, and I will do the same.

-The renewed San Luis Obispo Breakfast Burrito Blogger